Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy, says it best:

“There is no such thing as overreacting. It’s just that what you’re reacting to may not be what’s actually in front of you, it may be what’s behind you.”

When we “overreact,” it’s rarely just about this moment. More often, something happening now stirs up something old, an echo of a past hurt, fear, or unmet need. Our nervous system and protective patterns jump into gear, reacting not only to the present, but also to the weight of what came before.

If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I don’t know why I got so upset,” you’re not alone. This is one of the most common experiences couples bring into couples therapy, feeling triggered by a partner’s words or actions in ways that feel outsized for the situation.

Why the Reaction Feels So Big

Let’s be honest—most of us have been there.

Your partner forgets to call.
A coworker uses a certain tone.
A friend doesn’t text back.

And suddenly, you're not just a little irritated—you’re spiraling. Flooded. Either ready to lash out or completely shut down. And somewhere in the back of your mind, a voice whispers: “What’s wrong with me? Why am I overreacting?”

But here’s the truth that Terry Real so perfectly names: You’re not overreacting. You’re remembering.

In Relational Life Therapy, we understand that what looks like “overreacting” is often a younger, adaptive version of yourself showing up. These protective strategies were learned long ago, maybe in your family of origin or in a past relationship, to keep you safe emotionally or physically.

The challenge is that these same strategies can now harm your current relationship.

Your partner gets home late → you feel abandoned.
You disagree over a small issue → you feel rejected.
They forget to call → you feel unseen and unimportant.

Your nervous system reacts as if the stakes are life or death, because for that younger version of you, they once were.

You're Reacting to What’s Behind You

Our emotional responses don’t just rise out of nowhere. They’re built on a lifetime of experience, especially the ones that left a mark. When we’ve been hurt, abandoned, dismissed, criticized, or shamed in the past, those moments leave traces in our nervous system.

Sometimes, the current situation is simply the match.
But the fuel? That’s old.

A harsh tone from your partner might remind your body of what it felt like to be scolded by a critical parent.
Feeling ignored in a conversation might bring up the ache of never being chosen or prioritized.
Being told you're "too sensitive" might trigger a part of you that learned to hide your emotions to survive.

This is what Terry means. You’re not reacting too much, you’re reacting deeply. And that depth comes from something real.

Why Your Brain and Body Respond This Way

Our brains are always working to keep us safe. When something in the present moment even resembles a past threat, our nervous system responds as if we’re back in that moment.

It doesn’t stop to ask, “Is this the same situation?”
It just goes, “This feels familiar, and last time, it hurt. Protect yourself.”

This is especially true for those of us who carry trauma, attachment wounds, or childhood emotional neglect. We don’t always realize how much our past is shaping our present until we slow down and look at the pattern.

The shutdown.
The panic.
The people-pleasing.
The rage.
The urge to run.

These aren't flaws in your personality. They're strategies your nervous system learned to survive what once felt unbearable.

Healing Starts With Curiosity, Not Shame

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
Ask, “What is this reminding me of?”

Instead of judging the size of your reaction, try listening to it.

Relational therapy and parts work (like Internal Family Systems) teach us to approach these moments with compassion. The angry, anxious, avoidant, or overwhelmed parts of you are not trying to sabotage your life. They’re trying to keep you safe in the only way they know how.

Sometimes the scared 6-year-old in you is driving the bus.
Sometimes it’s the perfectionist or rebellious teen.
Sometimes it’s the exhausted adult who never gets a break.

When you start to understand these parts, not shame them, you begin to shift. You move from reacting to relating. From spiraling to self-regulating. From surviving to leading yourself through the moment.

Self-Regulation in the Moment

One of the most important skills we teach in relationship counseling and nervous system healing is self-regulation, the ability to notice when you’re triggered and bring yourself back to a grounded, connected state before you respond.

Here’s how you can start:

Pause before reacting. Even 10 seconds can give your body time to downshift.
Name what’s happening. Try: “I’m noticing I feel more hurt than this moment alone would cause.”
Ask yourself: Is this about now, or is something old being stirred up?
Choose your next step from a grounded place, not from the heat of the trigger.

From Reactive to Responsive

In Relational Life Therapy, we talk about moving from the “adaptive child” (the part of you shaped by old wounds) into the “functional wise adult,” the part of you that can stay curious, calm, and connected even during conflict.

This shift is what allows couples to break cycles of defensiveness, criticism, or withdrawal and replace them with healthier patterns like:

Slowing down conflict instead of escalating it.
Validating each other’s feelings without getting swept into them.
Repairing faster after arguments.

Why Nervous System Awareness Matters in Couples Therapy

When you understand how your body reacts to perceived threats, tight chest, racing heart, shallow breathing, you can catch the moment you’re getting dysregulated and use tools to regulate your nervous system before the conversation spirals.

Some regulation tools we use in therapy include:

Grounding exercises (feet on the floor, name objects in the room to anchor into the present).
Deep, paced breathing to slow your heart rate.
Taking a brief time-out with a plan to return and reconnect.
Using gentle self-touch (like placing your hand on your heart) to signal safety to your body.
Body scan, notice one body part at a time (your hands, shoulders, jaw) and soften any tension.

An Invitation to Practice

Next time you feel the wave of a big reaction:

Pause.
Get curious about whether this is about now or the past.
Let your grounded, functional, wise adult lead the response.

This is the work of self-regulation. It’s also the work of building conscious, connected relationships, where even conflict becomes an opportunity for deeper understanding.

If This Feels Hard to Do on Your Own

If you’re recognizing these patterns in yourself, it’s not a sign that you’re broken, it’s a sign that you’re ready to heal. Therapy can help you untangle what’s behind you from what’s in front of you. It gives you tools to respond from a place of self-awareness, rather than past pain.

And in doing so, you give yourself the chance to write a new story.

A story where your reactions make sense.
Where your past doesn’t define your future.
Where your inner world becomes a source of wisdom, not shame.

At The Path Wellness Center, we specialize in helping people understand the deeper roots of their emotions. If you’re curious about how your past is showing up in your present, and ready to shift those patterns, we’re here for you.

Let’s explore it together.

- Kimberly

It’s Not Overreacting, It’s Remembering: How to Pause, Self-Regulate, and Stay Connected in Your Relationship